Today's post is a bit reflective. I miss these times. I miss me and the person I was before kids. I miss the little boy in these pictures and the fun we had. I miss the times before things got so complicated and the Perthes diagnosis. Looking back, those times seemed so easy. They weren't really, it just seems that way as we made it through without too many scratches. My biggest worries back then seem so trivial compared to those we have now. On a scale of one to ten, they wouldn't even register. I try to remind myself today, that things could be far worse. It gives me a bit of comfort, but not much.
I always looked forward to going home. I still do. We could vacation anywhere but we always go there. Life is crazy and messy and sometimes really hard and this place always allows us an escape from it all for a while. We could go fishing for hours for all different types of fish in different settings. The bass literally jump on your hook. They still put up one hell of a fight and have often times outsmarted many a fisherman as they are trying to bring them ashore, but their nature and the outcome are usually the same. The catfish have proven to be a bit more elusive. As soon as you figure them out, they change it up and leave you guessing ”what the hell do I do now?"; making you re-evaluate your approach. Ironically this is the same with my kids, especially my son.
When he was little I could run and jump and be goofy and spin him like an "airplane" and everything in his world was right again. He would giggle and wrap his arms around my neck and nuzzle and cuddle and everything in my world was right again. Not anymore. Brian has switched it up just like those big ol' catfish snorting and grunting all the way making me reevaluate my approach and go back into my parenting tool box and dig around for new techniques. I am again left shaking my head wondering what to do next. Calm down. Breathe in...Breathe out...
Looking at these photos brings up a heap of emotions some I'm ready face and some I am unable to do so honestly so I stuff them back down until I am able. I will eventually. I miss my little happy boy who had his whole life in front of him. Don't get me wrong, he still does, but with much pain and sadness and things we never imagined for him. We see now the many little things we took for granted and think "Jesus what were we fretting about"? I said before it could be worse, and I am extremely grateful that it isn't; it is still hard for him and us, none the less. Perthes has taken our entire family down a different path than the one that we talked about or dreamed of. It has affected us as a family and separately alike and as everyone knows, we all deal with things in our ways, good and bad.
This year we are planning our annual trip home wondering how things will be different, knowing that things will be different. How we all will handle it? The wheelchair for one, fishing, running, playing, chasing the dog, emptying the minnow traps, feeding the fish, hiking the hill, building stuff in the shop with Spike, catching fireflies, skipping rocks in the creek, catching crayfish, throwing the Frisbee, taking night walks and all the other things we do when we escape from life. This year we will escape the shoobies, but life will follow us and remind us with an incessant nod, not unlike that of a bobble head doll, that we can't escape it or forget about it.
We're all going to be tested this summer, and through out this year, including the folks. They too are on a path they hadn't imagined for themselves.We're going to go through a lot of changes with a sprinkling flood of emotions through out; learning and relearning as we go.
Big breath in... hold it...and let it out.
Here's hoping we catch those big old ugly snorting catfish before they figure out what's coming. :)
Take care,
